Merry go round storytelling

[Sakura]

Morgen zusammen.

Es ist wieder Berufsschulzeit, und mein Englischlehrer hatte die tolle Idee Merry-go-round Geschichten zu machen. Also man hat mehrere Gruppen, jede bekommt ein Blatt mit dem ersten Satz einer Geschichte. Dann schreibt jeder einen Satz darunter, und geht dann an einen weiteren Tisch und schreibt zu der Geschichte auch einen Satz und so weiter.
Nicht ganz einfach, weil manchmal die logischen oder sachlichen Zusammenhängen der anderen Schreiber leicht verwurschtelt sind.

Die Ergebnisse durften wir dann korrigieren, mit Augenmerk auf die Zeiten, sowie auf "simple Worte", die wir ersetzen sollten (also so was wie "talk", "go", "do", "think", "thing", "but", "because" etc.).

Es wäre nett, wenn sich vielleicht jemand mal kurz Zeit nehmen könnte, über meine 2 Geschichten zu gucken. Ich habe sie abgetippt, weil man das ursprüngliche PDF, in das wir unsere Korrekturen malen sollten, niemandem zumuten kann. Ich denke ich habe es soweit geschafft, etwas Sinn in die ganze Sache zu bringen, aber Aufgrund der erratischen Erzählart bin ich mir nicht immer sicher ob das mit den Zeiten so hin haut.


Story 3
Yesterday evening my PC’s power supply exploded, and my complete flat burned to the ground. The firefighters got stuck in a traffic jam and couldn’t arrive on time, so my hamster was incinerated.
That was the reason why Greenpeace appeared. They demonstrated against the burning of hamsters, fortunately, Greenpeace themselves combusted.
However, there was a super green Hulk, who brought the burning hamsters under control. Yet, there also was a super blue Alc, who tried to kill the super green Hulk. Both heroes were equally strong.
There was only one man, who could help now: Godzilla arrived with a terrible sound, pulling the overhead wires down.
A few seconds later, not only the hamster was dead, all our super heroes were killed by an enormous meteoroid. “I know what I have to do. I will be the next super hero”. Suddenly a thunder hit me and erased my whole memory. I didn’t have a clue anymore who I was and where I was and what the hell I was doing.
I started to run. Like Forest Gump I only ran. Finally, I found myself standing in front of heaven’s door. I was so disappointed. Satan was my best friend and in heaven I can’t slay cats. Still, I tried it. Then I did it. I killed all cats that were in heaven.
After that I fought the care bears. They were armed and ready to fight. They all hit me with their care bear stares, and I was surrounded by annoyingly pink objects. I don’t like pink.

Story 4
I don’t like chocolate, bit I like the smell of it. Even though the taste of it makes me sick. But this doesn’t matter, the chocolate I bought is for my girlfriend. She is sweet like the chocolate I bought for her. I like to do bad things to her! For example, I’d stick notices to her back: “Kick me!” Still, once I suddenly freaked out, she stuck a note to my back, too.
Sometimes she does as it says on the note. She even occasionally bestows wet ... to me.
That’s the reason why I left her. However, due to my feelings for her, we are a couple again.
I get so ..., when she treats me in that way. She is very hot. She’s so hot I think I start to burn. It is burning so hot, that the fire department has to appear.
After this I drink water. Water makes me sick, too. On the other hand, it was not water but pure .... Perhaps that was a bad idea, I got violently sick all over the bathroom. But I was too lazy to clean it up, so I visited my neighbor, and we also drank vodka.
By the way, the puke is still on the floor and hard by now. I turned on my PC and posted a new Twitter entry. It is about the puke on the floor. I described the puke in a very extensive way.

[Sebastian.Felling]

Hi Sakura,

ich habe mir erlaubt, ein paar Dinge zu korrigieren (s. Fettmarkierung):

Yesterday evening my PC’s power supply exploded, and my entire flat burned to the ground. The firefighters got stuck in a traffic jam and couldn’t arrive in time, so my hamster was incinerated.
That was [the reason] why Greenpeace appeared. They demonstrated against the burning of hamsters, fortunately, Greenpeace themselves combusted.
However, there was a super green Hulk, who brought the burning hamsters under control. Yet, there also was a super blue Alc, who tried to kill the super green Hulk. Both heroes were equally strong.
There was only one man, who could help now: Godzilla arrived with a terrible sound, pulling the overhead wires down.
A few seconds later, not only the hamster was dead but all our super heroes were killed by an enormous meteoroid. “I know what I have to do. I will be the next super hero”. Suddenly a thunder hit me and erased my whole memory. I didn’t know anymore who I was or where I was and what the hell I was doing.
I started to run. Like Forest Gump. I simply ran. Finally, I found myself standing in front of heaven’s door. I was so disappointed. Satan was my best friend and in heaven I can’t slay cats. Still, I tried it. Then I did it. I killed all cats that were in heaven.
After that I fought the care bears. They were armed and ready to fight. They all hit me with their care bear stares, and I was surrounded by annoyingly pink objects. I don’t like pink.

Story 4
I don’t like chocolate, I just like the smell of it. Even though the taste of it makes me sick. But it doesn’t matter, the chocolate I bought is for my girlfriend. She is sweet like the chocolate I bought for her. I like doing bad things to her! For example, I’d stick notices on her back: “Kick me!” Still, once I suddenly freaked out, she stuck a note on my back, too.
Sometimes she does as it says on the note. She even occasionally bestows [? s. formal] wet ... to me.
That’s the reason why I left her. However, due to my feelings for her, we are a couple again.
I get so ..., when she treats me in that way. She is very hot. She’s so hot I think I start to burn. It is burning so hot, that the fire department has to appear.
After this I drink water. Water makes me sick, too. On the other hand, it was not water but pure vodka. Perhaps that was a bad idea, I got violently sick all over the bathroom. But I was too lazy to clean it up, so I visited my neighbor, and we also drank vodka.
By the way, the puke is still on the floor and hard by now. I turned on my PC and posted a new Twitter entry. It is about the puke on the floor. I described the puke in a very extensive way.

Ok, damit hier niemand aufschreit, habe ich bestimmte Passagen gekürzt. Ich glaube kaum, dass das aus der Schule ist bzw. in die Schule gehört.

Gruß
Sebastian

[Sakura]

Ok, danke, dann lag ich ja ganz gut.

Doch, das ist aus der Berufsschule. Allerdings musst du bedenken, dass als IT-ler in unserer Klasse nur 20- 30 jährige sind. Wobei ich allerdings behaupte das Niveau ist trotzdem auf dem Level von pubertierenden Teenagern.

[Sebastian.Felling]

Ok, das erklärt jetzt Einiges. Es tat mir schon ganz weh, in dein Kunstwerk so zerstörerisch eingreifen zu müssen

Der Stil war sehr flüssig, auch Kommasetzung und Grammatik lassen darauf schließen, dass du schon häufiger mit Englisch zu tun hattest. Liege ich da richtig?

[Sakura]

Ja, das triffts ganz gut. Ich war in der Schule immer mies in Englisch, aber ich lese jetzt seit 9 Jahren eigentlich nur englische Bücher, und davon nicht wenig, dass macht schon was aus.
Mir fehlt nur etwas die Schriftpraxis, deswegen dachte ich so ein Forum ist was für mich. Leuten helfen und selber dabei lernen.